My ex-mother-in-law once told me that I am my worst enemy. She also added that her son is the same type, and it’s bizarre we two freaks had found each other in a foreign country where there are a lot of other choices available. Nevertheless, I think she is right. I am the master of self-sabotage, and have a long tail of wrecked opportunities left behind. I also believe I am not unique, so some of you might find it relevant as well.
1. Sustaining the status quo as long as possible.
We are comfortable enough in a current situation and afraid of changing that, even if the situation is unsustainable. The popular psychology of “living in the moment” and “enjoy the smell of the roses” might contribute to this state of a temporal comfort, making the necessary change difficult and scary. An example is staying in a bad but familiar relationship, or postponing the search for new opportunities till you are actually fired.
It's OK to be uncomfortable and acknowledge the need for change. There is a fine line between a discomfort and desperation though. While the discomfort urges you to look for change, desperation makes it impossible, paralyzing all your efforts. To avoid that, one needs to be optimistic about the future and what wonders it may hold for you.
2. Negative self-worth.
We might feel like we are “not deserving” anything good in life. This is a serious condition caused by traumatic life experiences, whether an abusive family, a cruel teacher, or a toxic relationship. The best solution is to work with a therapist, but if this option is currently unavailable, there’s a quick “pick-me-up” thing I came up with.
Take a pen and paper, and write 10 good things about you, whether it’s your personality traits or acquired skills. Add to it 3-5 positive affirmations, like “I am a good person” etc. Sounds silly, but if you read these things aloud to yourself every day, it might make a difference. Do it for three weeks for the best effect. At least, when your usual self-loathing monster rears its ugly head again, you’ll have something to immediately throw at it without thinking.
3. You intuition is trying to talk to you.
This is actually a good thing, even if it disguised as a bad one. Your subconscious wants something else, or sees a hidden danger in an opportunity you are working on, even when consciously you are trying to do your best.
An example: I did surprisingly bad at a relatively easy job interview. I was so bad, even the manager, who really wanted to hire me in the beginning, wished me “good luck” right at the end of it. Alas, a week after, the owner disappeared with the money, without paying his stuff. Probably I picked up something while communicating with them but could not quite put a finger on it. But I needed that job at that particular moment, so my subconscious just decided to partially shut off my brain in the interview process to avoid me to be hired. In addition, that job would not be the best for my career growth. I went to a business school right after and landed a truly dream job before the graduation.
So, if you found yourself self-sabotaging, ask yourself two honest questions: what do you really want, and why. Don’t judge yourself though even the answers popped into your head are strange or unexpected. It may lead you to the better life after all.
Now, be well and take care 😊
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